How do you confront your boyfriend if you find out he’s a player?

From Tiffany in Minnesota

Hi Tiffany,

This is a great question and one I’d like to handle with care and with a great deal of focus.  You see, though there are patterns that you can identify among most players, they can vary on how they respond to confrontation.  You have to be observant here.  Is your boyfriend laid back?  Does he tend to get angry and lose his temper?  Does he get defensive and become distant?  These are all important points to consider before you confront your cheating guy. 

I think the key thing to keep in mind is that players are liars.  Even if they appear “sensitive,” their underlying goal is to use your body and resources for selfish gain.  They will act civil and even chivalrous until you tell them “no.”  That’s why it is so important for young women to have boundaries.  If you have no set limits in your relationship, how can you know if he truly respects you?  But that’s another topic :)  Bottom line, players are liars, so don’t waste your time trying to confront them.  

You see, a player CAN possess some genuine level of care for you.  You may even sense it, which sometimes causes you to hold on to the relationship longer than you should (In these cases, many women make the mistake of thinking they can change the player, but that is only something the player himself can do).  Unfortunately, this “care” is so often overpowered by their intense need to please themselves that they are rendered incapable of having a healthy (let alone monogamous) relationship.  I mention this because if you don’t know a player’s basic drive, you will spend time fighting with him, expending energy, trying to get him to see your point of view.  At the end of the day, he just doesn’t care (at least not enough to change his behavior), and no amount of screaming is going to change that. 

Again, my advice is to “simply” walk away, which may not be easy in practice.  Emotions are many times involved, and I get that.  However, to stay in the relationship gives him more time and opportunity to tamper with your body, mind, and pocketbook.  Don’t afford him any more such opportunities.  Hang up the phone; refuse to call him.  Stand your ground; walk away.  If you’re struggling with the temptation to reconnect, reach out to a trusted friend or mentor who will remind you of your incredible value and why you’re leaving. Refuse to be used as an object.  You are not a castaway; you are a jewel. 

Keep on shining, sister!

Marius