This is a very delicate issue and a difficult response to write. There are so many factors at play, issues of: power, egoism, vulgarity, manipulation, naiveté, and violence just to name a few. The typical realm of thought is to ask, “Who’s to blame?” My intent here is not to address that question. Sexual assault is a crime. It is punishable, and those who might try to make an excuse for it are deluded and even vile. Too often, when men victimize women, questions surface like: “What was she wearing to provoke…?” “What was she doing to seduce…?” To me, that is disgraceful, as if there were some “right” or privilege to abuse. There is not.
That being said, my sisters I encourage you to become more aware. There are tendencies about the immature and crude male that make him extremely dangerous, especially when alcohol is involved. Yes, you should be able to go anywhere you want, do what you want, wear what you’d like, and share company with whomever you choose without fear. However, I would argue that you must have a healthy sense of fear, because if you don’t it could cost incredible, even irreparable damage to your heart, body, and mind. It could even cost you your life.
I do not mean to sound overly dramatic, but frankly, such things happen and the risk of rape in general is much greater than we might think. According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network:
- 60% of rapes are unreported.
- Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants
- 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
- Only 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail
- College age women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted
It is to this population of college age women that I now write. If you choose to attend parties like the one talked about above, especially where alcohol and the number of men dominate, then you should be extremely careful to do the following:
- Go in a group with people you can trust not to abandon you. Stay together. Safety is in numbers. “Males” with bad motives (I won’t give them honor to call them Men) are less likely to try something when there are plenty of witnesses around. Be extremely cautious of “sweet guys” who want to get you alone away from the crowd. Don’t let him rev up your engine to the point where you ignore warning signs.
- Bring your own covered beverage and NEVER leave your drink unattended. Avoid mixed drinks in chaotic environments. The point is to be aware of what is going on (and what is happening to your drink) at all times. Another important point here is not to get drunk. Yes, I know that may not be fashionable or "fun," but remember, I'm talking about environments where you are not the one in control—though I don't ever advocate that it's wise to "lose your senses." If you become intoxicated and lose awareness, you put yourself at serious risk. Unplanned pregnancies, STDs, injuries, embarrassment (esp. with the Internet these days) and the like have been many young women's result...and that is not fun at all.
- Dress carefully. Let me encourage you that you can absolutely be sexy without baring all of your “essentials.” In this way you actually earn respect from men. You see, guys make an almost instant decision about a woman’s character based upon how she presents herself. Because of this you want to be sure that you send the right message. Here’s the principle: When you walk into that party every man there is going to make an assumption about you. Do you want 20-30 (and sometimes more) barely sober men thinking of you like a princess or an easy score? I’m not trying to be crude, but I hope you can see the seriousness. That’s how immature men operate, and when they’re intoxicated, they are more likely to act on perverted, insensitive, or even dangerous impulses. This may not be politically correct, but being up front and center with your “sexy” isn’t always the safest way to go.
- And lastly, value YOU. If all of this is starting to sound like it’s a bit much for you, then you’re probably trying to determine if “going to the party” is truly worth it. I say trust your instincts. You are capable and well able to handle this choice. But because I know what’s at stake, I want to warn you about the possibilities. I want you to value and preserve your own heart, mind, and soul, and even your life.
Ladies, I hope you can see that my desire is not to blame you, but to help protect you. Not every guy who is “cute and nice” is your friend; he could be your worst nightmare and leave emotional and even physical scars on you that can last a lifetime. If you will put these principles in place: staying together, staying aware, dressing carefully, and trusting your instincts, you are far less likely to become a victim. You can enjoy fun times hanging out and no longer regret the memories.
You are “playa-proof” sister!
Marius
I like bringing attention to this topic, but I think its dangerous to place all the restrictions on women (e.g. the kind of cup, people, times of day, etc) is decidedly sexist and not really getting at the real causes and issues of the MAJORITY of sexual assault cases. As you correctly cited, women are usually assaulted by sone they know... usually someone they are on a date with or their own partner. Its not as SVU-like as the mass media may have us believe. The best way to make sure you are not assaulted (or assaulting someone) is to just ask for consent... Its not like all of these women are getting snatched up off the street or always getting roofied. They just don't want to say anything about being assaulted because they didn't say no, or weren't offered an opportunity to say no. They main myth about rape is that they are how they always appear on t.v., which happens, but is not the norm. Assault is usually a couple or date occurrence. With that in mind, I think it is better not to restrict women and put the blam eon them (YOU wore that tube top, YOU went to that party, YOU drank from an open cup), but rather to split it and have everyone understand that asking and/ or telling questions/ answers of consent is the way we really should be confronting and eliminating sexual assault. It also teaches women to fear men... which only further presses societal norms which should really be passe at this point. It says theat men rule the social sphere, so women need to conform to a supposedly male behavior and defend themselves against it. Not sure that that is really getting at the main issue.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were more people like you in the world Marius. I wish that every young woman could hear your words and understand how to protect themselves. Especially young girls who don't believe it could ever happen to them, that they think... they are being cautious, but unfortunately it takes many "life lessons" to teach those young girls exactly what could happen for them to actually be cautious in the future. Keep it up and I will keep sharing your blogs with all of my dance students in hopes they pass it on to their friends!
ReplyDeleteHi everyone! Thanks for the feedback :-) Liz, I should mention that the statistics I used were to highlight the prevalence of rape in general and not of one particular type. I have clarified that on the blog. Thanks for the catch!
ReplyDeleteRegarding your other points, the first thing you’ll want to consider is that this blog is a very specific commentary focused on helping women to avoid being hurt in environments as described in the article. I also take great care in defining the TYPE of men to which I am referring: crude and immature men under the influence of alcohol who are in a chaotic party environment…and where their numbers dominate. I also deal with the issue of blame in the first paragraph.
You said, “The best way to make sure you are not assaulted (or assaulting someone) is to just ask for consent.” I agree, but the reality is that for some men, asking for consent and being cordial is not their interest; sexual conquest at any cost is their goal. Even if this is not a man’s typical behavior, when alcohol is involved, his ability to control himself can become impaired. This is a reality no matter the frequency and deserves some attention. I decided to provide it.
Also, understand that ANY protective measure is restrictive. Does a young woman who follows the principles I outlined in my blog have the same risk as a young woman who does not? Of course she doesn’t. Her risk for being hurt or taken advantage of or raped are significantly diminished because she has chosen to be wise. These are the tools I am seeking to offer young women through this blog.
Yes, a woman should absolutely fear men who embody the characteristics I’ve mentioned because in environments like these, women can easily be outnumbered. There is no real power except the knowledge they have and can use. There’s an ancient proverb you might be familiar with that says, “People are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” That is so true. While we wait for sexist and oppressive societal norms to “become fair,” young women are being beaten, mistreated, raped, victimized, and their hearts hurt because a reality exists that some men under certain circumstances JUST DON’T CARE. Please excuse my passion but I will not be silent when I have knowledge and experiences I can share from a male perspective that can otherwise help them. I hope you can understand this.