What do I do if my parents don’t like the one I love?

Question from “Karen” in Minneapolis

Often the natural way to respond if our parents don’t approve of our relationship choices is with defiance.  This can be dangerous.  I’m not saying that your parents are always right, but to immediately discount what they might have to say is generally not a wise thing to do.

One of my goals is to see young women make objective and not merely emotional decisions regarding the men in their lives.  The man you are truly dating is not the one who gives you flowers, opens car doors, and tells you he loves you when everything is exciting and new.  He’s the guy that emerges after you’ve had you first major disagreement, when the “not so nice” sides of both your personalities emerge and clash, when it now becomes “work” to maintain togetherness and a sense of care in the relationship.  That’s the guy you need to see before you fully commit your heart.  As I said in my earlier post, allies protect your blind spots and help you see warning sides.  Your parents could play that role.

I would say that the best course of action is to humbly ask your parents why they disapprove or have concerns.  Humbly simply means that you are willing to listen and make changes if it makes sense to do so.  However, if you are unwilling to receive constructive feedback, then don’t ask.  You’re already set on what you’re going to do, but keep in mind it is you who is left to face the consequences.

If you choose to talk to your parents, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. You should get the sense that the advice being offered is meant to benefit you as a person and that there are no ulterior or selfish motives.  If you are unsure, #2 below will help you to determine.
2. You should ask your parents to identify specific attitudes and behaviors they see as cause for concern.  Let them tell you why.
3. Remember that parents don’t have to be perfect to share good advice.  They likely have experience that encompasses both their successes AND their failures.  It would be wise to learn from both. 

Please understand that I have seen young women’s hearts devastated after refusing to hear wise counsel.  They refuse to believe that they could be blinded by their emotions, and they think that those offering the advice are trying to stop their happiness when actually the nature of the advice is protective.  Don’t get caught in this trap.  An old proverb reads, “Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.”  I would agree.

Stay “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius