What do I do if my parents don’t like the one I love?

Question from “Karen” in Minneapolis

Often the natural way to respond if our parents don’t approve of our relationship choices is with defiance.  This can be dangerous.  I’m not saying that your parents are always right, but to immediately discount what they might have to say is generally not a wise thing to do.

One of my goals is to see young women make objective and not merely emotional decisions regarding the men in their lives.  The man you are truly dating is not the one who gives you flowers, opens car doors, and tells you he loves you when everything is exciting and new.  He’s the guy that emerges after you’ve had you first major disagreement, when the “not so nice” sides of both your personalities emerge and clash, when it now becomes “work” to maintain togetherness and a sense of care in the relationship.  That’s the guy you need to see before you fully commit your heart.  As I said in my earlier post, allies protect your blind spots and help you see warning sides.  Your parents could play that role.

I would say that the best course of action is to humbly ask your parents why they disapprove or have concerns.  Humbly simply means that you are willing to listen and make changes if it makes sense to do so.  However, if you are unwilling to receive constructive feedback, then don’t ask.  You’re already set on what you’re going to do, but keep in mind it is you who is left to face the consequences.

If you choose to talk to your parents, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. You should get the sense that the advice being offered is meant to benefit you as a person and that there are no ulterior or selfish motives.  If you are unsure, #2 below will help you to determine.
2. You should ask your parents to identify specific attitudes and behaviors they see as cause for concern.  Let them tell you why.
3. Remember that parents don’t have to be perfect to share good advice.  They likely have experience that encompasses both their successes AND their failures.  It would be wise to learn from both. 

Please understand that I have seen young women’s hearts devastated after refusing to hear wise counsel.  They refuse to believe that they could be blinded by their emotions, and they think that those offering the advice are trying to stop their happiness when actually the nature of the advice is protective.  Don’t get caught in this trap.  An old proverb reads, “Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.”  I would agree.

Stay “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Question from Monticello, MN

Not necessarily.  A cheater can change, but it’s not easy.  Once a guy has developed a cheating habit, it can be extremely difficult to quit.  Why?  Because a man not only cheats with his body, but also with his eyes and with his mind.   

Ladies, don’t ever let a man tell you that looking at other women does not affect how he thinks about you.  He might even think this is true, but it is not.  First of all, it’s absolutely normal for a man to notice a beautiful woman.  It’s how he is wired.  You should not rip him for that anymore than we should rip a woman’s natural need to want to communicate.  However, we both have the ability to control ourselves in these areas and not overdo it.

Guys run into problems when we take that second look, or when we allow our eyes to linger.  Every time we do this, our girlfriends/wives become a little less attractive to us and we begin to become dissatisfied.  It’s because we’re allowing competition into our mental storage space.  That is why pornography is so toxic to relationships.  If your guy is into this and refuses to part with it…run.  He will torture your heart.  You will consistently feel inadequate as you’re forced to measure up to literally hundreds and thousands of digitally-altered nude images.  You cannot win this battle. Your guy has taken a huge step if he is willing to part with this habit, control his eyes and keep his focus on you, and be held accountable by other healthy men in this area.  That is the kind of guy you want to keep, but be sure he’s changing for the right reasons and not only for you or his “conversion” may not last for long. 

You want a “one-woman” man who believes in his heart that being faithful is not just a matter of the body, but also of the eyes and mind…and then lives it out.

Stay “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 3 of 4)

Naila is in her late 20's; in her own journey has become passionate on women not settling, but rather demanding the best out of themselves--knowing their worth and who they are so that they can enter the 'right' relationship. Here are some of her insights on today’s topic.

*How would you define being a productive woman?

Being a productive woman is dependent on being a confident one. Knowing who you are and believing in your value provides clarity on your purpose. And once you know your purpose, you should be productive on the things that bring that into being. Without an awareness of who you are, you have no vision and without a vision your productivity is in vain.

*How can being productive protect you from a destructive relationship?

Being protected from a destructive relationship is knowing the following: Good results are the direct result of productivity. This is extremely important to keep in mind because busyness and productivity are not the same thing. Both busyness and productivity occupy one’s time; however, if what we are doing does not produce good results, we may be busy, but we certainly are not productive.  Productive means “producing readily or abundantly.”  Busyness means “lively but meaningless activity.”  Take note of the big difference--abundant vs. meaningless. Pay close attention if a man says that he is productive. First see if there are evidences of good results in his life and if so, observe if these good results are directly related to his daily habits and what he is doing.  If there is no obvious link, then be careful. 

*Do you think being a productive woman helps attract the right guy?

When a woman is being productive towards fulfilling her purpose, she automatically begins the process of elimination. She is clear in knowing where she needs to be and to whom she needs to be connected. It is a domino effect…being confident (knowing who you are and believing in your value) = knowing your purpose and being intentionally productive towards it = filtering out the busy men from the productive ones (who are on purpose just like her) = connecting with the right productive man whose vision is compatible with hers.

In ending, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Ask him: What are your goals? What are you doing to get there? When do you want to get there? You don’t want to end up with a busy man (or worse a lazy man) who has no vision. That...will lead to a relationship of aimless wandering. Any man who has a clear vision and a plan will be able to answer without hesitation.  That’s the man you want. 

Thank you, Naila.  I think this is right on.  A productive woman can be extremely intimidating to a player.  Productive women are so focused that it is hard to knock them off-track. The vision piece is very important.  If you don’t have a set course or planned destination for your life, then how will you know if a relationship is either taking you off-track or helping you to get there faster?

I really like your point regarding busyness vs. productivity.  As a man, I can say that often we are not taught this difference.  If you find yourself to be with a busy man, don’t necessarily count him out.  There can be a huge difference between the man who is busy and the man who refuses to do anything.  Ask him those questions that Naila mentioned and watch carefully how he responds.  It will tell you a lot about his drive and his character. 

Lastly, there is something to be said for this automatic process of elimination.  My sweetie did the same thing as she observed me from afar for a year.  Though she was interested, she didn’t let on but just went about being productive, checking for good results in my life, and filtering out the other gents who would come her way until she ultimately became most attracted to me.  She trusted that if we were going to be a good match, it would occur to me too and that I would pursue, which I did :) 

I don’t think a productive woman needs to put herself “out there” and be aggressive.  That could turn the right guy away.  She will draw him if she is consistent with her standards and remains productive.  It may take time, but patience will likely have the desired effect.  Use your singleness as a time to create your own good results.  Productivity is incredibly attractive to the right guy.  Good men don’t want to baby-sit or be a meal-ticket anymore than you do.  They simply want a woman they can take care of, not because she needs them to, but because they respect her for her ability to handle life on her own. 

You are “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

Want to be a “Playa-Proof” ambassador?

Help get the word out and help other young women avoid destructive relationships and keep their hearts, bodies, and souls safe for their good guy to come.  Email nomoredrama@mariusmassie.com and we’ll send you details about your commitment and when you join you’ll receive a Facebook "tag" tool to help spread the message.

You are “Playa-Proof” sister!

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 2 of 4)

Ashley is in her early 20s; she is married and has a beautiful child.  She embodies qualities I believe make her a great choice to share her thoughts on the topic of young women and confidence.  Here are some of her thoughts. 

*What does it mean to be a confident woman?

A confident woman, to me, is a woman who knows who she is and who she isn't. She is confident just as much with her weaknesses as she is with her strengths and it is noticeable to others. She has learned to balance the things she excels in with the things she needs to work on. She is also willing to seek mentorship in those areas where she desires growth. In being a confident woman, she is constantly seeking to improve and better herself along with how she can better the people around her.

*What can a confident woman do to protect herself from destructive relationships that a timid woman might not?

A confident woman knows the importance of setting boundaries before a relationship starts and is bold with those boundaries when necessary. She also has mentors to keep her accountable to those boundaries and she is willing to listen to them should they see potential for a harmful relationship. She is aware of her surroundings and doesn't put herself in compromising situations.  If she feels that she needs to seek safety, she can confidently rely on those accountability partners to give her advice.

*What is the difference between confidence and arrogance and which is more likely to attract or repel the good guy of your dreams?

I see the root of confidence as knowing who you are and not needing validation from someone else. I see the root of arrogance as though you don't truly know who you are so you attempt to make up for that with self-glorification. I believe that a good guy can tell the difference between the two and is attracted to a confident woman. I believe that good men desire a woman who knows her beauty but isn't consumed with it. I also believe that good men are attracted to confidence because when a woman is confident with herself from the inside out, he can trust her and love her the way she desires him to. And when she knows his love, she will give the respect that he ultimately desires.

Thank you, Ashley for taking your time to talk about this important topic.  Confidence is so important to avoiding toxic relationships, especially in regards to players, because they target those they think they can manipulate easily.  Women who are not confident often times are so yearning for affirming words that they fall immediately for lines like: 

• I’ve never met anyone like you
• You are so beautiful (or fine)
• I love you
• I don’t want to be with anyone else
• You make me forget about the rest (of the other girls he’s still dating on the sly)
• Etc.

Now, you might ask, “How do I know if he’s genuine?”  One quick way is not to take any such statement at face value.  Protect your heart, especially if there has not been enough time in the relationship for him to know you and your faults.  Then, ask him the simple question, “Why?”  Does he look at you befuddled, struggling to find the right words, or is he able to look you in the eyes and give you a significant list (more than one or two) of personality traits and things you do that have added value to his life (because he’s been paying attention).

Don’t get me wrong.  A guy telling you that he loves you, thinks you’re hot, and that he wants to be with you isn’t always a bad thing!  I’m just saying to please use a bit of caution, ask the question, “Why?” and listen to what he has to say.  Don’t open your heart to him until you are absolutely convinced that he has gotten to know you, both the good and the bad, and has made an objective and committed choice to be with YOU. 

The confident woman that Ashley described to us hardly has time for players.  She is too focused on bettering herself as a person to waste time with someone who’s going to drag her down.  Because she has strong boundaries (and doesn’t compromise them) she identifies players easily.  Players will test your boundaries at some point and reveal their true colors, and that’s when she walks away.

The confident woman surrounds herself with positive friends who are loyal and mentors who have “been there and done that” and can give her good counsel about the relationships she has in her life.  There might come a time when you are unsure about a guy (maybe your emotions get involved—you are human!), and it sure helps to be able to turn to people you can trust for direction. 

I cannot reiterate the power of a confident woman who does not need validation from someone else to feel whole.  This kind of woman can stay objective even with the “smoothest” players, not being hypnotized by their words.  She’ll wait it out, look for evidence of genuine care, and then open up her heart.  This kind of woman has no need for arrogance because she knows true beauty comes from the heart.  She also knows that a good man understand this and will be drawn to her confidence too.

Thank you to everyone who has been checking in and reading the posts.  I’ve received a list of great questions from our readers so be on the lookout for more content soon! 

You are “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 1 of 4)

In my player days, I wouldn’t dare approach such a woman.  Why?  Because a “playa-proof” girl requires an investment of time, sensitive care, giving, unconditional love, and understanding before she will become completely vulnerable…none of which I was willing to provide.  Furthermore, I knew she would see right through to my real intentions (how she would I’ll get into later)…and I didn’t want to be exposed.  Remember from one of my earlier posts that players tend to be impatient.  They often want to achieve their end (which is normally sex or money from you) with as little effort as possible.  By becoming secure, confident, and productive, you can repel players without much effort at all.  Can you imagine how much TIME you’ll save just by becoming even more awesome?!  Believe it sister!

We’re going to be looking at these traits more in-depth next week and you’ll hear some expert opinion from other members of my team.  (I have to build a sense of anticipation somehow, right?!)  If you will really lock-in on each of these traits, understand them, and do the work to make them active and real parts of your personality, you will be well on your way to attracting the RIGHT guy of your dreams.  Change takes time and is not always easy to do.  You have to FIGHT to become “playa-proof,” but I know you can do it!

I get along better with guys than girls, always have. But I am always the best friend and never the girlfriend… Why?

Question from "Tamara" in Minneapolis, MN.

This is a great question and can be cause for a lot of debate.  Quite frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is the word "competition."  Encarta dictionary defines competition as: opposition; the opposition in a competitive situation, or the level of opposition.  I highlight that because, at least for me, if I see an attractive girl who has no healthy relationships with other women, but a squad of "guy-friends" she hangs around constantly; to me that's a big red flag.  Why?

Well, I ask myself the questions:

1. Does she get a thrill out of the attention and the flirty behavior she receives (that she often times will say means “nothing” and that they’re just “buds”)?
2. Why can’t she develop a substantial relationship with another female?  What kind of “baggage” (i.e. emotional hurts) is she carrying and do I want to get involved with that?  Is she going to be able to get along with my mother, sister, or other ladies that roll in my circle? 

These are all very important questions a dating-minded well-intentioned guy may ask himself (even subconsciously) that can determine within seconds his willingness to pursue a woman for relationship, leave her alone, or just, as you say, “be friends.” 

Principle #1 – Beware of developing close 1-on-1 friendships with the opposite sex if you have no desire to pursue a long-term relationship.  You may be creating excess competition that may chase off the man of your dreams. 

Think that’s harsh?  Well…try to flip the scenario.  What if you saw this attractive guy at the gym, at church, at work, etc. who seemed to be very nice but every time you saw him he was always connecting with a woman or a group of women at a time.  They were always sharing intimate hugs, personal jokes, and the girls you could tell kinda like him (even though they swear he’s just like their “brother”).  What would you think about your chances?  What assumptions would you make about his personality?  C’mon now, be honest :)  Well, that’s exactly what your future guy might be thinking…and to make it worse, you may never know. 

Principle #2 – Guys don’t need you to make a decision about whether or not they will pursue.  Often, a good guy will assess you first from afar and make an almost instant decision based on what he sees.

You have to understand that a good guy is likely not going to invest his time in what he perceives to be a high risk situation.  When looking for the right match, he probably won’t pursue until he notices something about a girl that clicks with his values, and then he will draw near and make his intentions known.  You being constantly surrounded by a bunch of guys with no strong female relationships may keep him in hiding and possibly out of reach. 

My advice is to start cultivating strong female relationships (Not a bunch, but what you can handle) and start determining what is causing difficulty for you in that area.  Don’t rule out getting counsel from a wise friend or mentor who has the experience to help you.  I believe mentorship is absolutely essential to carrying out good dating behavior as well.  Secondly, and this is going to be tough, I highly suggest you put into practice principle #1.  Creating sound boundaries will cause some pain in the beginning, but serve long-term benefits in the form of the man of your dreams!

Thanks for reading and be sure to send in your questions!

Marius

Can you trust him?

To the young women,

Before you bare your soul on that first date, sharing private and intimate details about your life and who you are, it is very important you establish that your guy is trustworthy.  If your guy is a player, he will use that information against you.  He will sit silently on the phone or across from you listening, not because he cares, but because he is looking for weak points in your personality that he can later use to get what he wants. 

The information you might normally share is valuable.  You are an extraordinary person with unique experiences that make you...you.  For that reason alone you should go through great lengths to protect yourself.  I’m not talking about building a wall around you 10 feet thick that no human can penetrate.  I’m talking about equipping yourself with good knowledge that will help you determine when and more importantly, WHY you should open up.  I have a few keys that I think will help you.

"Playa" Point #1 – A player is typically impatient.  He rarely will invest the time it takes to develop a personal relationship with you.  Use this to your advantage. 

If you are willing to wait and allow time to establish trust, you can be on the look out for four key elements that will help determine if you can trust him.  They are: Commitment, Openness/Honesty, Patience, and Respect

Commitment

Commitment is demonstrated by giving of one’s time, energy and/or attention to an individual or relationship.  It is defined as: loyalty, devotion, or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship (Encarta Online Dictionary).  Can your man tell you why he is in your life?  Can he tell you his intentions?  If he can’t or won’t, then you should beware.  Don’t fall for the “I’m not looking for a commitment; I just want to be friends and do whatever.”  Huh?  Make him define “whatever.”  This is your heart and your life we are talking about!  You don’t want to play games.

"Playa" Point #2 – Players HATE being put on the spot. 

So, don’t be afraid to ask your guy what his intentions are toward you.  In my current relationship, my girl asked me that question and I was able to answer it.  Years ago, I would’ve avoided it like the plague.  So, if he gets jumpy at the idea of defining the relationship, then he’s either not mature enough to handle your heart, or he could be a player. 

Openness/Honesty

This is shown by our willingness to “be real” in relationships.  Do you get the sense that your guy is being sincere?  More importantly, does he tell you about his shortcomings and failures that could affect your relationship?  Does he talk to you about his past?  Be sure you are not opening up too much with someone who is not willing to open up with you.  To find out, share some information that is not overly personal or intimate, and see how he responds.  If he responds in kind and does so consistently (even going first and sharing on his own), that can be a good sign.  However, don’t get too excited and open up the flood gates baring your soul.  Take it slow and share a bit at a time.  I heard someone say that trust should not be freely given, but earned.  I believe that is positively true. 

Patience

No matter how well-intentioned you are, at some point you are going to say or do something that makes your guy a little warm under the collar.  That just goes back to being real in how we look at relationships.  Does your guy habitually “blow up” or treat you mean when you make mistakes?  Does he find it hard to forgive you and does he often carry a grudge?  Ladies, I cannot overemphasize the importance of what I’m about to say; if the answer is “yes,” then RUN!  This guy cannot protect your heart.  He is more concerned about being right and punishing you.  You want to be extra careful about warning signs of an abusive man.  Your guy should be able to share his hurts openly with a cool head and with a desire to forgive and make peace.  Rest assured ladies, a patient man is often times a safe man. 

Respect

Respect is defined as: consideration; thoughtful concern for or sensitivity toward the feelings of others; or thoughtfulness; a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something (Encarta).  Does your man value who you are and what you have to say?  Do you get the idea that he is sensitive to your needs?  Does he look to do things that you enjoy?  If he considers your relationship to be of high importance and he respects you, then it will consistently show in his attitude, language, and care toward you.  This should last beyond the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship where almost every good thing we do is driven by emotion and our need to impress.

Well ladies, I hope this helps.  I wanted to start things right by sharing an important topic right off the bat.  Relationships are quite complicated and require a great deal of maturity and discipline to work.  Again, this is just a start, but we’re going to be with you for the long haul.

You’re becoming “playa-proof” sister!

Marius