Can you trust him?

To the young women,

Before you bare your soul on that first date, sharing private and intimate details about your life and who you are, it is very important you establish that your guy is trustworthy.  If your guy is a player, he will use that information against you.  He will sit silently on the phone or across from you listening, not because he cares, but because he is looking for weak points in your personality that he can later use to get what he wants. 

The information you might normally share is valuable.  You are an extraordinary person with unique experiences that make you...you.  For that reason alone you should go through great lengths to protect yourself.  I’m not talking about building a wall around you 10 feet thick that no human can penetrate.  I’m talking about equipping yourself with good knowledge that will help you determine when and more importantly, WHY you should open up.  I have a few keys that I think will help you.

"Playa" Point #1 – A player is typically impatient.  He rarely will invest the time it takes to develop a personal relationship with you.  Use this to your advantage. 

If you are willing to wait and allow time to establish trust, you can be on the look out for four key elements that will help determine if you can trust him.  They are: Commitment, Openness/Honesty, Patience, and Respect

Commitment

Commitment is demonstrated by giving of one’s time, energy and/or attention to an individual or relationship.  It is defined as: loyalty, devotion, or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship (Encarta Online Dictionary).  Can your man tell you why he is in your life?  Can he tell you his intentions?  If he can’t or won’t, then you should beware.  Don’t fall for the “I’m not looking for a commitment; I just want to be friends and do whatever.”  Huh?  Make him define “whatever.”  This is your heart and your life we are talking about!  You don’t want to play games.

"Playa" Point #2 – Players HATE being put on the spot. 

So, don’t be afraid to ask your guy what his intentions are toward you.  In my current relationship, my girl asked me that question and I was able to answer it.  Years ago, I would’ve avoided it like the plague.  So, if he gets jumpy at the idea of defining the relationship, then he’s either not mature enough to handle your heart, or he could be a player. 

Openness/Honesty

This is shown by our willingness to “be real” in relationships.  Do you get the sense that your guy is being sincere?  More importantly, does he tell you about his shortcomings and failures that could affect your relationship?  Does he talk to you about his past?  Be sure you are not opening up too much with someone who is not willing to open up with you.  To find out, share some information that is not overly personal or intimate, and see how he responds.  If he responds in kind and does so consistently (even going first and sharing on his own), that can be a good sign.  However, don’t get too excited and open up the flood gates baring your soul.  Take it slow and share a bit at a time.  I heard someone say that trust should not be freely given, but earned.  I believe that is positively true. 

Patience

No matter how well-intentioned you are, at some point you are going to say or do something that makes your guy a little warm under the collar.  That just goes back to being real in how we look at relationships.  Does your guy habitually “blow up” or treat you mean when you make mistakes?  Does he find it hard to forgive you and does he often carry a grudge?  Ladies, I cannot overemphasize the importance of what I’m about to say; if the answer is “yes,” then RUN!  This guy cannot protect your heart.  He is more concerned about being right and punishing you.  You want to be extra careful about warning signs of an abusive man.  Your guy should be able to share his hurts openly with a cool head and with a desire to forgive and make peace.  Rest assured ladies, a patient man is often times a safe man. 

Respect

Respect is defined as: consideration; thoughtful concern for or sensitivity toward the feelings of others; or thoughtfulness; a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something (Encarta).  Does your man value who you are and what you have to say?  Do you get the idea that he is sensitive to your needs?  Does he look to do things that you enjoy?  If he considers your relationship to be of high importance and he respects you, then it will consistently show in his attitude, language, and care toward you.  This should last beyond the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship where almost every good thing we do is driven by emotion and our need to impress.

Well ladies, I hope this helps.  I wanted to start things right by sharing an important topic right off the bat.  Relationships are quite complicated and require a great deal of maturity and discipline to work.  Again, this is just a start, but we’re going to be with you for the long haul.

You’re becoming “playa-proof” sister!

Marius