I get along better with guys than girls, always have. But I am always the best friend and never the girlfriend… Why?

Question from "Tamara" in Minneapolis, MN.

This is a great question and can be cause for a lot of debate.  Quite frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is the word "competition."  Encarta dictionary defines competition as: opposition; the opposition in a competitive situation, or the level of opposition.  I highlight that because, at least for me, if I see an attractive girl who has no healthy relationships with other women, but a squad of "guy-friends" she hangs around constantly; to me that's a big red flag.  Why?

Well, I ask myself the questions:

1. Does she get a thrill out of the attention and the flirty behavior she receives (that she often times will say means “nothing” and that they’re just “buds”)?
2. Why can’t she develop a substantial relationship with another female?  What kind of “baggage” (i.e. emotional hurts) is she carrying and do I want to get involved with that?  Is she going to be able to get along with my mother, sister, or other ladies that roll in my circle? 

These are all very important questions a dating-minded well-intentioned guy may ask himself (even subconsciously) that can determine within seconds his willingness to pursue a woman for relationship, leave her alone, or just, as you say, “be friends.” 

Principle #1 – Beware of developing close 1-on-1 friendships with the opposite sex if you have no desire to pursue a long-term relationship.  You may be creating excess competition that may chase off the man of your dreams. 

Think that’s harsh?  Well…try to flip the scenario.  What if you saw this attractive guy at the gym, at church, at work, etc. who seemed to be very nice but every time you saw him he was always connecting with a woman or a group of women at a time.  They were always sharing intimate hugs, personal jokes, and the girls you could tell kinda like him (even though they swear he’s just like their “brother”).  What would you think about your chances?  What assumptions would you make about his personality?  C’mon now, be honest :)  Well, that’s exactly what your future guy might be thinking…and to make it worse, you may never know. 

Principle #2 – Guys don’t need you to make a decision about whether or not they will pursue.  Often, a good guy will assess you first from afar and make an almost instant decision based on what he sees.

You have to understand that a good guy is likely not going to invest his time in what he perceives to be a high risk situation.  When looking for the right match, he probably won’t pursue until he notices something about a girl that clicks with his values, and then he will draw near and make his intentions known.  You being constantly surrounded by a bunch of guys with no strong female relationships may keep him in hiding and possibly out of reach. 

My advice is to start cultivating strong female relationships (Not a bunch, but what you can handle) and start determining what is causing difficulty for you in that area.  Don’t rule out getting counsel from a wise friend or mentor who has the experience to help you.  I believe mentorship is absolutely essential to carrying out good dating behavior as well.  Secondly, and this is going to be tough, I highly suggest you put into practice principle #1.  Creating sound boundaries will cause some pain in the beginning, but serve long-term benefits in the form of the man of your dreams!

Thanks for reading and be sure to send in your questions!

Marius