Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Question from Monticello, MN

Not necessarily.  A cheater can change, but it’s not easy.  Once a guy has developed a cheating habit, it can be extremely difficult to quit.  Why?  Because a man not only cheats with his body, but also with his eyes and with his mind.   

Ladies, don’t ever let a man tell you that looking at other women does not affect how he thinks about you.  He might even think this is true, but it is not.  First of all, it’s absolutely normal for a man to notice a beautiful woman.  It’s how he is wired.  You should not rip him for that anymore than we should rip a woman’s natural need to want to communicate.  However, we both have the ability to control ourselves in these areas and not overdo it.

Guys run into problems when we take that second look, or when we allow our eyes to linger.  Every time we do this, our girlfriends/wives become a little less attractive to us and we begin to become dissatisfied.  It’s because we’re allowing competition into our mental storage space.  That is why pornography is so toxic to relationships.  If your guy is into this and refuses to part with it…run.  He will torture your heart.  You will consistently feel inadequate as you’re forced to measure up to literally hundreds and thousands of digitally-altered nude images.  You cannot win this battle. Your guy has taken a huge step if he is willing to part with this habit, control his eyes and keep his focus on you, and be held accountable by other healthy men in this area.  That is the kind of guy you want to keep, but be sure he’s changing for the right reasons and not only for you or his “conversion” may not last for long. 

You want a “one-woman” man who believes in his heart that being faithful is not just a matter of the body, but also of the eyes and mind…and then lives it out.

Stay “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 2 of 4)

Ashley is in her early 20s; she is married and has a beautiful child.  She embodies qualities I believe make her a great choice to share her thoughts on the topic of young women and confidence.  Here are some of her thoughts. 

*What does it mean to be a confident woman?

A confident woman, to me, is a woman who knows who she is and who she isn't. She is confident just as much with her weaknesses as she is with her strengths and it is noticeable to others. She has learned to balance the things she excels in with the things she needs to work on. She is also willing to seek mentorship in those areas where she desires growth. In being a confident woman, she is constantly seeking to improve and better herself along with how she can better the people around her.

*What can a confident woman do to protect herself from destructive relationships that a timid woman might not?

A confident woman knows the importance of setting boundaries before a relationship starts and is bold with those boundaries when necessary. She also has mentors to keep her accountable to those boundaries and she is willing to listen to them should they see potential for a harmful relationship. She is aware of her surroundings and doesn't put herself in compromising situations.  If she feels that she needs to seek safety, she can confidently rely on those accountability partners to give her advice.

*What is the difference between confidence and arrogance and which is more likely to attract or repel the good guy of your dreams?

I see the root of confidence as knowing who you are and not needing validation from someone else. I see the root of arrogance as though you don't truly know who you are so you attempt to make up for that with self-glorification. I believe that a good guy can tell the difference between the two and is attracted to a confident woman. I believe that good men desire a woman who knows her beauty but isn't consumed with it. I also believe that good men are attracted to confidence because when a woman is confident with herself from the inside out, he can trust her and love her the way she desires him to. And when she knows his love, she will give the respect that he ultimately desires.

Thank you, Ashley for taking your time to talk about this important topic.  Confidence is so important to avoiding toxic relationships, especially in regards to players, because they target those they think they can manipulate easily.  Women who are not confident often times are so yearning for affirming words that they fall immediately for lines like: 

• I’ve never met anyone like you
• You are so beautiful (or fine)
• I love you
• I don’t want to be with anyone else
• You make me forget about the rest (of the other girls he’s still dating on the sly)
• Etc.

Now, you might ask, “How do I know if he’s genuine?”  One quick way is not to take any such statement at face value.  Protect your heart, especially if there has not been enough time in the relationship for him to know you and your faults.  Then, ask him the simple question, “Why?”  Does he look at you befuddled, struggling to find the right words, or is he able to look you in the eyes and give you a significant list (more than one or two) of personality traits and things you do that have added value to his life (because he’s been paying attention).

Don’t get me wrong.  A guy telling you that he loves you, thinks you’re hot, and that he wants to be with you isn’t always a bad thing!  I’m just saying to please use a bit of caution, ask the question, “Why?” and listen to what he has to say.  Don’t open your heart to him until you are absolutely convinced that he has gotten to know you, both the good and the bad, and has made an objective and committed choice to be with YOU. 

The confident woman that Ashley described to us hardly has time for players.  She is too focused on bettering herself as a person to waste time with someone who’s going to drag her down.  Because she has strong boundaries (and doesn’t compromise them) she identifies players easily.  Players will test your boundaries at some point and reveal their true colors, and that’s when she walks away.

The confident woman surrounds herself with positive friends who are loyal and mentors who have “been there and done that” and can give her good counsel about the relationships she has in her life.  There might come a time when you are unsure about a guy (maybe your emotions get involved—you are human!), and it sure helps to be able to turn to people you can trust for direction. 

I cannot reiterate the power of a confident woman who does not need validation from someone else to feel whole.  This kind of woman can stay objective even with the “smoothest” players, not being hypnotized by their words.  She’ll wait it out, look for evidence of genuine care, and then open up her heart.  This kind of woman has no need for arrogance because she knows true beauty comes from the heart.  She also knows that a good man understand this and will be drawn to her confidence too.

Thank you to everyone who has been checking in and reading the posts.  I’ve received a list of great questions from our readers so be on the lookout for more content soon! 

You are “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

Can you trust him?

To the young women,

Before you bare your soul on that first date, sharing private and intimate details about your life and who you are, it is very important you establish that your guy is trustworthy.  If your guy is a player, he will use that information against you.  He will sit silently on the phone or across from you listening, not because he cares, but because he is looking for weak points in your personality that he can later use to get what he wants. 

The information you might normally share is valuable.  You are an extraordinary person with unique experiences that make you...you.  For that reason alone you should go through great lengths to protect yourself.  I’m not talking about building a wall around you 10 feet thick that no human can penetrate.  I’m talking about equipping yourself with good knowledge that will help you determine when and more importantly, WHY you should open up.  I have a few keys that I think will help you.

"Playa" Point #1 – A player is typically impatient.  He rarely will invest the time it takes to develop a personal relationship with you.  Use this to your advantage. 

If you are willing to wait and allow time to establish trust, you can be on the look out for four key elements that will help determine if you can trust him.  They are: Commitment, Openness/Honesty, Patience, and Respect

Commitment

Commitment is demonstrated by giving of one’s time, energy and/or attention to an individual or relationship.  It is defined as: loyalty, devotion, or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship (Encarta Online Dictionary).  Can your man tell you why he is in your life?  Can he tell you his intentions?  If he can’t or won’t, then you should beware.  Don’t fall for the “I’m not looking for a commitment; I just want to be friends and do whatever.”  Huh?  Make him define “whatever.”  This is your heart and your life we are talking about!  You don’t want to play games.

"Playa" Point #2 – Players HATE being put on the spot. 

So, don’t be afraid to ask your guy what his intentions are toward you.  In my current relationship, my girl asked me that question and I was able to answer it.  Years ago, I would’ve avoided it like the plague.  So, if he gets jumpy at the idea of defining the relationship, then he’s either not mature enough to handle your heart, or he could be a player. 

Openness/Honesty

This is shown by our willingness to “be real” in relationships.  Do you get the sense that your guy is being sincere?  More importantly, does he tell you about his shortcomings and failures that could affect your relationship?  Does he talk to you about his past?  Be sure you are not opening up too much with someone who is not willing to open up with you.  To find out, share some information that is not overly personal or intimate, and see how he responds.  If he responds in kind and does so consistently (even going first and sharing on his own), that can be a good sign.  However, don’t get too excited and open up the flood gates baring your soul.  Take it slow and share a bit at a time.  I heard someone say that trust should not be freely given, but earned.  I believe that is positively true. 

Patience

No matter how well-intentioned you are, at some point you are going to say or do something that makes your guy a little warm under the collar.  That just goes back to being real in how we look at relationships.  Does your guy habitually “blow up” or treat you mean when you make mistakes?  Does he find it hard to forgive you and does he often carry a grudge?  Ladies, I cannot overemphasize the importance of what I’m about to say; if the answer is “yes,” then RUN!  This guy cannot protect your heart.  He is more concerned about being right and punishing you.  You want to be extra careful about warning signs of an abusive man.  Your guy should be able to share his hurts openly with a cool head and with a desire to forgive and make peace.  Rest assured ladies, a patient man is often times a safe man. 

Respect

Respect is defined as: consideration; thoughtful concern for or sensitivity toward the feelings of others; or thoughtfulness; a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something (Encarta).  Does your man value who you are and what you have to say?  Do you get the idea that he is sensitive to your needs?  Does he look to do things that you enjoy?  If he considers your relationship to be of high importance and he respects you, then it will consistently show in his attitude, language, and care toward you.  This should last beyond the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship where almost every good thing we do is driven by emotion and our need to impress.

Well ladies, I hope this helps.  I wanted to start things right by sharing an important topic right off the bat.  Relationships are quite complicated and require a great deal of maturity and discipline to work.  Again, this is just a start, but we’re going to be with you for the long haul.

You’re becoming “playa-proof” sister!

Marius