A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 2 of 4)

Ashley is in her early 20s; she is married and has a beautiful child.  She embodies qualities I believe make her a great choice to share her thoughts on the topic of young women and confidence.  Here are some of her thoughts. 

*What does it mean to be a confident woman?

A confident woman, to me, is a woman who knows who she is and who she isn't. She is confident just as much with her weaknesses as she is with her strengths and it is noticeable to others. She has learned to balance the things she excels in with the things she needs to work on. She is also willing to seek mentorship in those areas where she desires growth. In being a confident woman, she is constantly seeking to improve and better herself along with how she can better the people around her.

*What can a confident woman do to protect herself from destructive relationships that a timid woman might not?

A confident woman knows the importance of setting boundaries before a relationship starts and is bold with those boundaries when necessary. She also has mentors to keep her accountable to those boundaries and she is willing to listen to them should they see potential for a harmful relationship. She is aware of her surroundings and doesn't put herself in compromising situations.  If she feels that she needs to seek safety, she can confidently rely on those accountability partners to give her advice.

*What is the difference between confidence and arrogance and which is more likely to attract or repel the good guy of your dreams?

I see the root of confidence as knowing who you are and not needing validation from someone else. I see the root of arrogance as though you don't truly know who you are so you attempt to make up for that with self-glorification. I believe that a good guy can tell the difference between the two and is attracted to a confident woman. I believe that good men desire a woman who knows her beauty but isn't consumed with it. I also believe that good men are attracted to confidence because when a woman is confident with herself from the inside out, he can trust her and love her the way she desires him to. And when she knows his love, she will give the respect that he ultimately desires.

Thank you, Ashley for taking your time to talk about this important topic.  Confidence is so important to avoiding toxic relationships, especially in regards to players, because they target those they think they can manipulate easily.  Women who are not confident often times are so yearning for affirming words that they fall immediately for lines like: 

• I’ve never met anyone like you
• You are so beautiful (or fine)
• I love you
• I don’t want to be with anyone else
• You make me forget about the rest (of the other girls he’s still dating on the sly)
• Etc.

Now, you might ask, “How do I know if he’s genuine?”  One quick way is not to take any such statement at face value.  Protect your heart, especially if there has not been enough time in the relationship for him to know you and your faults.  Then, ask him the simple question, “Why?”  Does he look at you befuddled, struggling to find the right words, or is he able to look you in the eyes and give you a significant list (more than one or two) of personality traits and things you do that have added value to his life (because he’s been paying attention).

Don’t get me wrong.  A guy telling you that he loves you, thinks you’re hot, and that he wants to be with you isn’t always a bad thing!  I’m just saying to please use a bit of caution, ask the question, “Why?” and listen to what he has to say.  Don’t open your heart to him until you are absolutely convinced that he has gotten to know you, both the good and the bad, and has made an objective and committed choice to be with YOU. 

The confident woman that Ashley described to us hardly has time for players.  She is too focused on bettering herself as a person to waste time with someone who’s going to drag her down.  Because she has strong boundaries (and doesn’t compromise them) she identifies players easily.  Players will test your boundaries at some point and reveal their true colors, and that’s when she walks away.

The confident woman surrounds herself with positive friends who are loyal and mentors who have “been there and done that” and can give her good counsel about the relationships she has in her life.  There might come a time when you are unsure about a guy (maybe your emotions get involved—you are human!), and it sure helps to be able to turn to people you can trust for direction. 

I cannot reiterate the power of a confident woman who does not need validation from someone else to feel whole.  This kind of woman can stay objective even with the “smoothest” players, not being hypnotized by their words.  She’ll wait it out, look for evidence of genuine care, and then open up her heart.  This kind of woman has no need for arrogance because she knows true beauty comes from the heart.  She also knows that a good man understand this and will be drawn to her confidence too.

Thank you to everyone who has been checking in and reading the posts.  I’ve received a list of great questions from our readers so be on the lookout for more content soon! 

You are “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

I get along better with guys than girls, always have. But I am always the best friend and never the girlfriend… Why?

Question from "Tamara" in Minneapolis, MN.

This is a great question and can be cause for a lot of debate.  Quite frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is the word "competition."  Encarta dictionary defines competition as: opposition; the opposition in a competitive situation, or the level of opposition.  I highlight that because, at least for me, if I see an attractive girl who has no healthy relationships with other women, but a squad of "guy-friends" she hangs around constantly; to me that's a big red flag.  Why?

Well, I ask myself the questions:

1. Does she get a thrill out of the attention and the flirty behavior she receives (that she often times will say means “nothing” and that they’re just “buds”)?
2. Why can’t she develop a substantial relationship with another female?  What kind of “baggage” (i.e. emotional hurts) is she carrying and do I want to get involved with that?  Is she going to be able to get along with my mother, sister, or other ladies that roll in my circle? 

These are all very important questions a dating-minded well-intentioned guy may ask himself (even subconsciously) that can determine within seconds his willingness to pursue a woman for relationship, leave her alone, or just, as you say, “be friends.” 

Principle #1 – Beware of developing close 1-on-1 friendships with the opposite sex if you have no desire to pursue a long-term relationship.  You may be creating excess competition that may chase off the man of your dreams. 

Think that’s harsh?  Well…try to flip the scenario.  What if you saw this attractive guy at the gym, at church, at work, etc. who seemed to be very nice but every time you saw him he was always connecting with a woman or a group of women at a time.  They were always sharing intimate hugs, personal jokes, and the girls you could tell kinda like him (even though they swear he’s just like their “brother”).  What would you think about your chances?  What assumptions would you make about his personality?  C’mon now, be honest :)  Well, that’s exactly what your future guy might be thinking…and to make it worse, you may never know. 

Principle #2 – Guys don’t need you to make a decision about whether or not they will pursue.  Often, a good guy will assess you first from afar and make an almost instant decision based on what he sees.

You have to understand that a good guy is likely not going to invest his time in what he perceives to be a high risk situation.  When looking for the right match, he probably won’t pursue until he notices something about a girl that clicks with his values, and then he will draw near and make his intentions known.  You being constantly surrounded by a bunch of guys with no strong female relationships may keep him in hiding and possibly out of reach. 

My advice is to start cultivating strong female relationships (Not a bunch, but what you can handle) and start determining what is causing difficulty for you in that area.  Don’t rule out getting counsel from a wise friend or mentor who has the experience to help you.  I believe mentorship is absolutely essential to carrying out good dating behavior as well.  Secondly, and this is going to be tough, I highly suggest you put into practice principle #1.  Creating sound boundaries will cause some pain in the beginning, but serve long-term benefits in the form of the man of your dreams!

Thanks for reading and be sure to send in your questions!

Marius