The Importance of Allies

Have you ever hid a relationship from someone close to you because you’re afraid of what they might say?  This could be a wise friend, parent, boss, or even a mentor.  It really doesn’t matter what the title is; it is simply a person in your life who cares and has the experience to know if the guy you’re dating is a loser, or worse, a player. 

It’s sad to see young women lie to good people in their lives to protect a relationship that is going nowhere, is abusive, or hurtful.  But when emotions are involved, such things can be difficult for a young woman to see.  They might think:

• I can’t let this guy go.  I might not meet someone else.
• He’s not that bad, is he?  At least he’s got a nice job.
• He’s never met someone like me before.  He’ll change now that we’re together.

Of course, this is not an all-inclusive list, but it does represent some of the more common reasons I hear for women staying in unhealthy relationships.  It makes life incredibly easy for players.  In fact, he’s banking on the fact that you think this way.  Insecurity, focusing on his external characteristics (car, clothes, hair, job, etc.), and the illusion of control (you won’t change him) put you at risk.  This is where allies become so important.

An ally is a person who has your best interests at heart.  They are not afraid to confront you about poor choices because they see your worth and don’t want you to settle for less.  For allies, it’s not about what you can do for them, but what positive contribution they can add to your life.  If you don’t have an ally (I recommend that you have three or four), it is absolutely critical to your dating health to have one.  Even with the best intentions, your emotions can be blinding and cause you to make wrong choices.  Allies won’t allow you to do that without warning you.  That’s why if you’re serious about a guy, you should make sure he meets them.  They’ll ask the right questions, and you can see how he responds. 

I heard a speaker say, “If the only person who thinks your guy is great is you, then you have a big problem.”  For your safety, listen to what your allies have to say.  Think objectively, and don’t let your emotions unnecessarily put your heart in harm’s way. 

Stay “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Question from Monticello, MN

Not necessarily.  A cheater can change, but it’s not easy.  Once a guy has developed a cheating habit, it can be extremely difficult to quit.  Why?  Because a man not only cheats with his body, but also with his eyes and with his mind.   

Ladies, don’t ever let a man tell you that looking at other women does not affect how he thinks about you.  He might even think this is true, but it is not.  First of all, it’s absolutely normal for a man to notice a beautiful woman.  It’s how he is wired.  You should not rip him for that anymore than we should rip a woman’s natural need to want to communicate.  However, we both have the ability to control ourselves in these areas and not overdo it.

Guys run into problems when we take that second look, or when we allow our eyes to linger.  Every time we do this, our girlfriends/wives become a little less attractive to us and we begin to become dissatisfied.  It’s because we’re allowing competition into our mental storage space.  That is why pornography is so toxic to relationships.  If your guy is into this and refuses to part with it…run.  He will torture your heart.  You will consistently feel inadequate as you’re forced to measure up to literally hundreds and thousands of digitally-altered nude images.  You cannot win this battle. Your guy has taken a huge step if he is willing to part with this habit, control his eyes and keep his focus on you, and be held accountable by other healthy men in this area.  That is the kind of guy you want to keep, but be sure he’s changing for the right reasons and not only for you or his “conversion” may not last for long. 

You want a “one-woman” man who believes in his heart that being faithful is not just a matter of the body, but also of the eyes and mind…and then lives it out.

Stay “playa-proof” sister!

Marius