A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 3 of 4)

Naila is in her late 20's; in her own journey has become passionate on women not settling, but rather demanding the best out of themselves--knowing their worth and who they are so that they can enter the 'right' relationship. Here are some of her insights on today’s topic.

*How would you define being a productive woman?

Being a productive woman is dependent on being a confident one. Knowing who you are and believing in your value provides clarity on your purpose. And once you know your purpose, you should be productive on the things that bring that into being. Without an awareness of who you are, you have no vision and without a vision your productivity is in vain.

*How can being productive protect you from a destructive relationship?

Being protected from a destructive relationship is knowing the following: Good results are the direct result of productivity. This is extremely important to keep in mind because busyness and productivity are not the same thing. Both busyness and productivity occupy one’s time; however, if what we are doing does not produce good results, we may be busy, but we certainly are not productive.  Productive means “producing readily or abundantly.”  Busyness means “lively but meaningless activity.”  Take note of the big difference--abundant vs. meaningless. Pay close attention if a man says that he is productive. First see if there are evidences of good results in his life and if so, observe if these good results are directly related to his daily habits and what he is doing.  If there is no obvious link, then be careful. 

*Do you think being a productive woman helps attract the right guy?

When a woman is being productive towards fulfilling her purpose, she automatically begins the process of elimination. She is clear in knowing where she needs to be and to whom she needs to be connected. It is a domino effect…being confident (knowing who you are and believing in your value) = knowing your purpose and being intentionally productive towards it = filtering out the busy men from the productive ones (who are on purpose just like her) = connecting with the right productive man whose vision is compatible with hers.

In ending, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Ask him: What are your goals? What are you doing to get there? When do you want to get there? You don’t want to end up with a busy man (or worse a lazy man) who has no vision. That...will lead to a relationship of aimless wandering. Any man who has a clear vision and a plan will be able to answer without hesitation.  That’s the man you want. 

Thank you, Naila.  I think this is right on.  A productive woman can be extremely intimidating to a player.  Productive women are so focused that it is hard to knock them off-track. The vision piece is very important.  If you don’t have a set course or planned destination for your life, then how will you know if a relationship is either taking you off-track or helping you to get there faster?

I really like your point regarding busyness vs. productivity.  As a man, I can say that often we are not taught this difference.  If you find yourself to be with a busy man, don’t necessarily count him out.  There can be a huge difference between the man who is busy and the man who refuses to do anything.  Ask him those questions that Naila mentioned and watch carefully how he responds.  It will tell you a lot about his drive and his character. 

Lastly, there is something to be said for this automatic process of elimination.  My sweetie did the same thing as she observed me from afar for a year.  Though she was interested, she didn’t let on but just went about being productive, checking for good results in my life, and filtering out the other gents who would come her way until she ultimately became most attracted to me.  She trusted that if we were going to be a good match, it would occur to me too and that I would pursue, which I did :) 

I don’t think a productive woman needs to put herself “out there” and be aggressive.  That could turn the right guy away.  She will draw him if she is consistent with her standards and remains productive.  It may take time, but patience will likely have the desired effect.  Use your singleness as a time to create your own good results.  Productivity is incredibly attractive to the right guy.  Good men don’t want to baby-sit or be a meal-ticket anymore than you do.  They simply want a woman they can take care of, not because she needs them to, but because they respect her for her ability to handle life on her own. 

You are “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 2 of 4)

Ashley is in her early 20s; she is married and has a beautiful child.  She embodies qualities I believe make her a great choice to share her thoughts on the topic of young women and confidence.  Here are some of her thoughts. 

*What does it mean to be a confident woman?

A confident woman, to me, is a woman who knows who she is and who she isn't. She is confident just as much with her weaknesses as she is with her strengths and it is noticeable to others. She has learned to balance the things she excels in with the things she needs to work on. She is also willing to seek mentorship in those areas where she desires growth. In being a confident woman, she is constantly seeking to improve and better herself along with how she can better the people around her.

*What can a confident woman do to protect herself from destructive relationships that a timid woman might not?

A confident woman knows the importance of setting boundaries before a relationship starts and is bold with those boundaries when necessary. She also has mentors to keep her accountable to those boundaries and she is willing to listen to them should they see potential for a harmful relationship. She is aware of her surroundings and doesn't put herself in compromising situations.  If she feels that she needs to seek safety, she can confidently rely on those accountability partners to give her advice.

*What is the difference between confidence and arrogance and which is more likely to attract or repel the good guy of your dreams?

I see the root of confidence as knowing who you are and not needing validation from someone else. I see the root of arrogance as though you don't truly know who you are so you attempt to make up for that with self-glorification. I believe that a good guy can tell the difference between the two and is attracted to a confident woman. I believe that good men desire a woman who knows her beauty but isn't consumed with it. I also believe that good men are attracted to confidence because when a woman is confident with herself from the inside out, he can trust her and love her the way she desires him to. And when she knows his love, she will give the respect that he ultimately desires.

Thank you, Ashley for taking your time to talk about this important topic.  Confidence is so important to avoiding toxic relationships, especially in regards to players, because they target those they think they can manipulate easily.  Women who are not confident often times are so yearning for affirming words that they fall immediately for lines like: 

• I’ve never met anyone like you
• You are so beautiful (or fine)
• I love you
• I don’t want to be with anyone else
• You make me forget about the rest (of the other girls he’s still dating on the sly)
• Etc.

Now, you might ask, “How do I know if he’s genuine?”  One quick way is not to take any such statement at face value.  Protect your heart, especially if there has not been enough time in the relationship for him to know you and your faults.  Then, ask him the simple question, “Why?”  Does he look at you befuddled, struggling to find the right words, or is he able to look you in the eyes and give you a significant list (more than one or two) of personality traits and things you do that have added value to his life (because he’s been paying attention).

Don’t get me wrong.  A guy telling you that he loves you, thinks you’re hot, and that he wants to be with you isn’t always a bad thing!  I’m just saying to please use a bit of caution, ask the question, “Why?” and listen to what he has to say.  Don’t open your heart to him until you are absolutely convinced that he has gotten to know you, both the good and the bad, and has made an objective and committed choice to be with YOU. 

The confident woman that Ashley described to us hardly has time for players.  She is too focused on bettering herself as a person to waste time with someone who’s going to drag her down.  Because she has strong boundaries (and doesn’t compromise them) she identifies players easily.  Players will test your boundaries at some point and reveal their true colors, and that’s when she walks away.

The confident woman surrounds herself with positive friends who are loyal and mentors who have “been there and done that” and can give her good counsel about the relationships she has in her life.  There might come a time when you are unsure about a guy (maybe your emotions get involved—you are human!), and it sure helps to be able to turn to people you can trust for direction. 

I cannot reiterate the power of a confident woman who does not need validation from someone else to feel whole.  This kind of woman can stay objective even with the “smoothest” players, not being hypnotized by their words.  She’ll wait it out, look for evidence of genuine care, and then open up her heart.  This kind of woman has no need for arrogance because she knows true beauty comes from the heart.  She also knows that a good man understand this and will be drawn to her confidence too.

Thank you to everyone who has been checking in and reading the posts.  I’ve received a list of great questions from our readers so be on the lookout for more content soon! 

You are “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 1 of 4)

In my player days, I wouldn’t dare approach such a woman.  Why?  Because a “playa-proof” girl requires an investment of time, sensitive care, giving, unconditional love, and understanding before she will become completely vulnerable…none of which I was willing to provide.  Furthermore, I knew she would see right through to my real intentions (how she would I’ll get into later)…and I didn’t want to be exposed.  Remember from one of my earlier posts that players tend to be impatient.  They often want to achieve their end (which is normally sex or money from you) with as little effort as possible.  By becoming secure, confident, and productive, you can repel players without much effort at all.  Can you imagine how much TIME you’ll save just by becoming even more awesome?!  Believe it sister!

We’re going to be looking at these traits more in-depth next week and you’ll hear some expert opinion from other members of my team.  (I have to build a sense of anticipation somehow, right?!)  If you will really lock-in on each of these traits, understand them, and do the work to make them active and real parts of your personality, you will be well on your way to attracting the RIGHT guy of your dreams.  Change takes time and is not always easy to do.  You have to FIGHT to become “playa-proof,” but I know you can do it!