A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 1 of 4)

In my player days, I wouldn’t dare approach such a woman.  Why?  Because a “playa-proof” girl requires an investment of time, sensitive care, giving, unconditional love, and understanding before she will become completely vulnerable…none of which I was willing to provide.  Furthermore, I knew she would see right through to my real intentions (how she would I’ll get into later)…and I didn’t want to be exposed.  Remember from one of my earlier posts that players tend to be impatient.  They often want to achieve their end (which is normally sex or money from you) with as little effort as possible.  By becoming secure, confident, and productive, you can repel players without much effort at all.  Can you imagine how much TIME you’ll save just by becoming even more awesome?!  Believe it sister!

We’re going to be looking at these traits more in-depth next week and you’ll hear some expert opinion from other members of my team.  (I have to build a sense of anticipation somehow, right?!)  If you will really lock-in on each of these traits, understand them, and do the work to make them active and real parts of your personality, you will be well on your way to attracting the RIGHT guy of your dreams.  Change takes time and is not always easy to do.  You have to FIGHT to become “playa-proof,” but I know you can do it!

I get along better with guys than girls, always have. But I am always the best friend and never the girlfriend… Why?

Question from "Tamara" in Minneapolis, MN.

This is a great question and can be cause for a lot of debate.  Quite frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is the word "competition."  Encarta dictionary defines competition as: opposition; the opposition in a competitive situation, or the level of opposition.  I highlight that because, at least for me, if I see an attractive girl who has no healthy relationships with other women, but a squad of "guy-friends" she hangs around constantly; to me that's a big red flag.  Why?

Well, I ask myself the questions:

1. Does she get a thrill out of the attention and the flirty behavior she receives (that she often times will say means “nothing” and that they’re just “buds”)?
2. Why can’t she develop a substantial relationship with another female?  What kind of “baggage” (i.e. emotional hurts) is she carrying and do I want to get involved with that?  Is she going to be able to get along with my mother, sister, or other ladies that roll in my circle? 

These are all very important questions a dating-minded well-intentioned guy may ask himself (even subconsciously) that can determine within seconds his willingness to pursue a woman for relationship, leave her alone, or just, as you say, “be friends.” 

Principle #1 – Beware of developing close 1-on-1 friendships with the opposite sex if you have no desire to pursue a long-term relationship.  You may be creating excess competition that may chase off the man of your dreams. 

Think that’s harsh?  Well…try to flip the scenario.  What if you saw this attractive guy at the gym, at church, at work, etc. who seemed to be very nice but every time you saw him he was always connecting with a woman or a group of women at a time.  They were always sharing intimate hugs, personal jokes, and the girls you could tell kinda like him (even though they swear he’s just like their “brother”).  What would you think about your chances?  What assumptions would you make about his personality?  C’mon now, be honest :)  Well, that’s exactly what your future guy might be thinking…and to make it worse, you may never know. 

Principle #2 – Guys don’t need you to make a decision about whether or not they will pursue.  Often, a good guy will assess you first from afar and make an almost instant decision based on what he sees.

You have to understand that a good guy is likely not going to invest his time in what he perceives to be a high risk situation.  When looking for the right match, he probably won’t pursue until he notices something about a girl that clicks with his values, and then he will draw near and make his intentions known.  You being constantly surrounded by a bunch of guys with no strong female relationships may keep him in hiding and possibly out of reach. 

My advice is to start cultivating strong female relationships (Not a bunch, but what you can handle) and start determining what is causing difficulty for you in that area.  Don’t rule out getting counsel from a wise friend or mentor who has the experience to help you.  I believe mentorship is absolutely essential to carrying out good dating behavior as well.  Secondly, and this is going to be tough, I highly suggest you put into practice principle #1.  Creating sound boundaries will cause some pain in the beginning, but serve long-term benefits in the form of the man of your dreams!

Thanks for reading and be sure to send in your questions!

Marius

Can you trust him?

To the young women,

Before you bare your soul on that first date, sharing private and intimate details about your life and who you are, it is very important you establish that your guy is trustworthy.  If your guy is a player, he will use that information against you.  He will sit silently on the phone or across from you listening, not because he cares, but because he is looking for weak points in your personality that he can later use to get what he wants. 

The information you might normally share is valuable.  You are an extraordinary person with unique experiences that make you...you.  For that reason alone you should go through great lengths to protect yourself.  I’m not talking about building a wall around you 10 feet thick that no human can penetrate.  I’m talking about equipping yourself with good knowledge that will help you determine when and more importantly, WHY you should open up.  I have a few keys that I think will help you.

"Playa" Point #1 – A player is typically impatient.  He rarely will invest the time it takes to develop a personal relationship with you.  Use this to your advantage. 

If you are willing to wait and allow time to establish trust, you can be on the look out for four key elements that will help determine if you can trust him.  They are: Commitment, Openness/Honesty, Patience, and Respect

Commitment

Commitment is demonstrated by giving of one’s time, energy and/or attention to an individual or relationship.  It is defined as: loyalty, devotion, or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship (Encarta Online Dictionary).  Can your man tell you why he is in your life?  Can he tell you his intentions?  If he can’t or won’t, then you should beware.  Don’t fall for the “I’m not looking for a commitment; I just want to be friends and do whatever.”  Huh?  Make him define “whatever.”  This is your heart and your life we are talking about!  You don’t want to play games.

"Playa" Point #2 – Players HATE being put on the spot. 

So, don’t be afraid to ask your guy what his intentions are toward you.  In my current relationship, my girl asked me that question and I was able to answer it.  Years ago, I would’ve avoided it like the plague.  So, if he gets jumpy at the idea of defining the relationship, then he’s either not mature enough to handle your heart, or he could be a player. 

Openness/Honesty

This is shown by our willingness to “be real” in relationships.  Do you get the sense that your guy is being sincere?  More importantly, does he tell you about his shortcomings and failures that could affect your relationship?  Does he talk to you about his past?  Be sure you are not opening up too much with someone who is not willing to open up with you.  To find out, share some information that is not overly personal or intimate, and see how he responds.  If he responds in kind and does so consistently (even going first and sharing on his own), that can be a good sign.  However, don’t get too excited and open up the flood gates baring your soul.  Take it slow and share a bit at a time.  I heard someone say that trust should not be freely given, but earned.  I believe that is positively true. 

Patience

No matter how well-intentioned you are, at some point you are going to say or do something that makes your guy a little warm under the collar.  That just goes back to being real in how we look at relationships.  Does your guy habitually “blow up” or treat you mean when you make mistakes?  Does he find it hard to forgive you and does he often carry a grudge?  Ladies, I cannot overemphasize the importance of what I’m about to say; if the answer is “yes,” then RUN!  This guy cannot protect your heart.  He is more concerned about being right and punishing you.  You want to be extra careful about warning signs of an abusive man.  Your guy should be able to share his hurts openly with a cool head and with a desire to forgive and make peace.  Rest assured ladies, a patient man is often times a safe man. 

Respect

Respect is defined as: consideration; thoughtful concern for or sensitivity toward the feelings of others; or thoughtfulness; a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something (Encarta).  Does your man value who you are and what you have to say?  Do you get the idea that he is sensitive to your needs?  Does he look to do things that you enjoy?  If he considers your relationship to be of high importance and he respects you, then it will consistently show in his attitude, language, and care toward you.  This should last beyond the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship where almost every good thing we do is driven by emotion and our need to impress.

Well ladies, I hope this helps.  I wanted to start things right by sharing an important topic right off the bat.  Relationships are quite complicated and require a great deal of maturity and discipline to work.  Again, this is just a start, but we’re going to be with you for the long haul.

You’re becoming “playa-proof” sister!

Marius