How do you confront your boyfriend if you find out he’s a player?

From Tiffany in Minnesota

Hi Tiffany,

This is a great question and one I’d like to handle with care and with a great deal of focus.  You see, though there are patterns that you can identify among most players, they can vary on how they respond to confrontation.  You have to be observant here.  Is your boyfriend laid back?  Does he tend to get angry and lose his temper?  Does he get defensive and become distant?  These are all important points to consider before you confront your cheating guy. 

I think the key thing to keep in mind is that players are liars.  Even if they appear “sensitive,” their underlying goal is to use your body and resources for selfish gain.  They will act civil and even chivalrous until you tell them “no.”  That’s why it is so important for young women to have boundaries.  If you have no set limits in your relationship, how can you know if he truly respects you?  But that’s another topic :)  Bottom line, players are liars, so don’t waste your time trying to confront them.  

You see, a player CAN possess some genuine level of care for you.  You may even sense it, which sometimes causes you to hold on to the relationship longer than you should (In these cases, many women make the mistake of thinking they can change the player, but that is only something the player himself can do).  Unfortunately, this “care” is so often overpowered by their intense need to please themselves that they are rendered incapable of having a healthy (let alone monogamous) relationship.  I mention this because if you don’t know a player’s basic drive, you will spend time fighting with him, expending energy, trying to get him to see your point of view.  At the end of the day, he just doesn’t care (at least not enough to change his behavior), and no amount of screaming is going to change that. 

Again, my advice is to “simply” walk away, which may not be easy in practice.  Emotions are many times involved, and I get that.  However, to stay in the relationship gives him more time and opportunity to tamper with your body, mind, and pocketbook.  Don’t afford him any more such opportunities.  Hang up the phone; refuse to call him.  Stand your ground; walk away.  If you’re struggling with the temptation to reconnect, reach out to a trusted friend or mentor who will remind you of your incredible value and why you’re leaving. Refuse to be used as an object.  You are not a castaway; you are a jewel. 

Keep on shining, sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 2 of 4)

Ashley is in her early 20s; she is married and has a beautiful child.  She embodies qualities I believe make her a great choice to share her thoughts on the topic of young women and confidence.  Here are some of her thoughts. 

*What does it mean to be a confident woman?

A confident woman, to me, is a woman who knows who she is and who she isn't. She is confident just as much with her weaknesses as she is with her strengths and it is noticeable to others. She has learned to balance the things she excels in with the things she needs to work on. She is also willing to seek mentorship in those areas where she desires growth. In being a confident woman, she is constantly seeking to improve and better herself along with how she can better the people around her.

*What can a confident woman do to protect herself from destructive relationships that a timid woman might not?

A confident woman knows the importance of setting boundaries before a relationship starts and is bold with those boundaries when necessary. She also has mentors to keep her accountable to those boundaries and she is willing to listen to them should they see potential for a harmful relationship. She is aware of her surroundings and doesn't put herself in compromising situations.  If she feels that she needs to seek safety, she can confidently rely on those accountability partners to give her advice.

*What is the difference between confidence and arrogance and which is more likely to attract or repel the good guy of your dreams?

I see the root of confidence as knowing who you are and not needing validation from someone else. I see the root of arrogance as though you don't truly know who you are so you attempt to make up for that with self-glorification. I believe that a good guy can tell the difference between the two and is attracted to a confident woman. I believe that good men desire a woman who knows her beauty but isn't consumed with it. I also believe that good men are attracted to confidence because when a woman is confident with herself from the inside out, he can trust her and love her the way she desires him to. And when she knows his love, she will give the respect that he ultimately desires.

Thank you, Ashley for taking your time to talk about this important topic.  Confidence is so important to avoiding toxic relationships, especially in regards to players, because they target those they think they can manipulate easily.  Women who are not confident often times are so yearning for affirming words that they fall immediately for lines like: 

• I’ve never met anyone like you
• You are so beautiful (or fine)
• I love you
• I don’t want to be with anyone else
• You make me forget about the rest (of the other girls he’s still dating on the sly)
• Etc.

Now, you might ask, “How do I know if he’s genuine?”  One quick way is not to take any such statement at face value.  Protect your heart, especially if there has not been enough time in the relationship for him to know you and your faults.  Then, ask him the simple question, “Why?”  Does he look at you befuddled, struggling to find the right words, or is he able to look you in the eyes and give you a significant list (more than one or two) of personality traits and things you do that have added value to his life (because he’s been paying attention).

Don’t get me wrong.  A guy telling you that he loves you, thinks you’re hot, and that he wants to be with you isn’t always a bad thing!  I’m just saying to please use a bit of caution, ask the question, “Why?” and listen to what he has to say.  Don’t open your heart to him until you are absolutely convinced that he has gotten to know you, both the good and the bad, and has made an objective and committed choice to be with YOU. 

The confident woman that Ashley described to us hardly has time for players.  She is too focused on bettering herself as a person to waste time with someone who’s going to drag her down.  Because she has strong boundaries (and doesn’t compromise them) she identifies players easily.  Players will test your boundaries at some point and reveal their true colors, and that’s when she walks away.

The confident woman surrounds herself with positive friends who are loyal and mentors who have “been there and done that” and can give her good counsel about the relationships she has in her life.  There might come a time when you are unsure about a guy (maybe your emotions get involved—you are human!), and it sure helps to be able to turn to people you can trust for direction. 

I cannot reiterate the power of a confident woman who does not need validation from someone else to feel whole.  This kind of woman can stay objective even with the “smoothest” players, not being hypnotized by their words.  She’ll wait it out, look for evidence of genuine care, and then open up her heart.  This kind of woman has no need for arrogance because she knows true beauty comes from the heart.  She also knows that a good man understand this and will be drawn to her confidence too.

Thank you to everyone who has been checking in and reading the posts.  I’ve received a list of great questions from our readers so be on the lookout for more content soon! 

You are “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

Sex assault is 3rd in 2 weeks at U frat houses

http://www.startribune.com/local/104272248.html?elr=KArksi8cyaiUqPk4DyCc75DiUiacyKU7DYaGEP7vDEh7P:DiUs 

This is a very delicate issue and a difficult response to write.  There are so many factors at play, issues of: power, egoism, vulgarity, manipulation, naiveté, and violence just to name a few.  The typical realm of thought is to ask, “Who’s to blame?”  My intent here is not to address that question.  Sexual assault is a crime.  It is punishable, and those who might try to make an excuse for it are deluded and even vile.  Too often, when men victimize women, questions surface like: “What was she wearing to provoke…?” “What was she doing to seduce…?”  To me, that is disgraceful, as if there were some “right” or privilege to abuse.  There is not.

That being said, my sisters I encourage you to become more aware.  There are tendencies about the immature and crude male that make him extremely dangerous, especially when alcohol is involved.  Yes, you should be able to go anywhere you want, do what you want, wear what you’d like, and share company with whomever you choose without fear.  However, I would argue that you must have a healthy sense of fear, because if you don’t it could cost incredible, even irreparable damage to your heart, body, and mind.  It could even cost you your life. 

I do not mean to sound overly dramatic, but frankly, such things happen and the risk of rape in general is much greater than we might think.  According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network:

1. 60% of rapes are unreported. 
2. Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants
3. 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
4. Only 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail
5. College age women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted

It is to this population of college age women that I now write.  If you choose to attend parties like the one talked about above, especially where alcohol and the number of men dominate, then you should be extremely careful to do the following:

1. Go in a group with people you can trust not to abandon you.  Stay together.  Safety is in numbers.  “Males” with bad motives (I won’t give them honor to call them Men) are less likely to try something when there are plenty of witnesses around.  Be extremely cautious of “sweet guys” who want to get you alone away from the crowd.  Don’t let him rev up your engine to the point where you ignore warning signs. 
2. Bring your own covered beverage and NEVER leave your drink unattended.  Avoid mixed drinks in chaotic environments.  The point is to be aware of what is going on (and what is happening to your drink) at all times.  Another important point here is not to get drunk.  Yes, I know that may not be fashionable or "fun," but remember, I'm talking about environments where you are not the one in control—though I don't ever advocate that it's wise to "lose your senses."  If you become intoxicated and lose awareness, you put yourself at serious risk.  Unplanned pregnancies, STDs, injuries, embarrassment (esp. with the Internet these days) and the like have been many young women's result...and that is not fun at all. 
3. Dress carefully.  Let me encourage you that you can absolutely be sexy without baring all of your “essentials.”  In this way you actually earn respect from men.  You see, guys make an almost instant decision about a woman’s character based upon how she presents herself.  Because of this you want to be sure that you send the right message.  Here’s the principle: When you walk into that party every man there is going to make an assumption about you.  Do you want 20-30 (and sometimes more) barely sober men thinking of you like a princess or an easy score?  I’m not trying to be crude, but I hope you can see the seriousness.  That’s how immature men operate, and when they’re intoxicated, they are more likely to act on perverted, insensitive, or even dangerous impulses.  This may not be politically correct, but being up front and center with your “sexy” isn’t always the safest way to go.
4. And lastly, value YOU.  If all of this is starting to sound like it’s a bit much for you, then you’re probably trying to determine if “going to the party” is truly worth it.  I say trust your instincts.  You are capable and well able to handle this choice.  But because I know what’s at stake, I want to warn you about the possibilities.  I want you to value and preserve your own heart, mind, and soul, and even your life.

Ladies, I hope you can see that my desire is not to blame you, but to help protect you.  Not every guy who is “cute and nice” is your friend; he could be your worst nightmare and leave emotional and even physical scars on you that can last a lifetime.  If you will put these principles in place: staying together, staying aware, dressing carefully, and trusting your instincts, you are far less likely to become a victim.  You can enjoy fun times hanging out and no longer regret the memories. 

You are “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 1 of 4)

In my player days, I wouldn’t dare approach such a woman.  Why?  Because a “playa-proof” girl requires an investment of time, sensitive care, giving, unconditional love, and understanding before she will become completely vulnerable…none of which I was willing to provide.  Furthermore, I knew she would see right through to my real intentions (how she would I’ll get into later)…and I didn’t want to be exposed.  Remember from one of my earlier posts that players tend to be impatient.  They often want to achieve their end (which is normally sex or money from you) with as little effort as possible.  By becoming secure, confident, and productive, you can repel players without much effort at all.  Can you imagine how much TIME you’ll save just by becoming even more awesome?!  Believe it sister!

We’re going to be looking at these traits more in-depth next week and you’ll hear some expert opinion from other members of my team.  (I have to build a sense of anticipation somehow, right?!)  If you will really lock-in on each of these traits, understand them, and do the work to make them active and real parts of your personality, you will be well on your way to attracting the RIGHT guy of your dreams.  Change takes time and is not always easy to do.  You have to FIGHT to become “playa-proof,” but I know you can do it!

I get along better with guys than girls, always have. But I am always the best friend and never the girlfriend… Why?

Question from "Tamara" in Minneapolis, MN.

This is a great question and can be cause for a lot of debate.  Quite frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is the word "competition."  Encarta dictionary defines competition as: opposition; the opposition in a competitive situation, or the level of opposition.  I highlight that because, at least for me, if I see an attractive girl who has no healthy relationships with other women, but a squad of "guy-friends" she hangs around constantly; to me that's a big red flag.  Why?

Well, I ask myself the questions:

1. Does she get a thrill out of the attention and the flirty behavior she receives (that she often times will say means “nothing” and that they’re just “buds”)?
2. Why can’t she develop a substantial relationship with another female?  What kind of “baggage” (i.e. emotional hurts) is she carrying and do I want to get involved with that?  Is she going to be able to get along with my mother, sister, or other ladies that roll in my circle? 

These are all very important questions a dating-minded well-intentioned guy may ask himself (even subconsciously) that can determine within seconds his willingness to pursue a woman for relationship, leave her alone, or just, as you say, “be friends.” 

Principle #1 – Beware of developing close 1-on-1 friendships with the opposite sex if you have no desire to pursue a long-term relationship.  You may be creating excess competition that may chase off the man of your dreams. 

Think that’s harsh?  Well…try to flip the scenario.  What if you saw this attractive guy at the gym, at church, at work, etc. who seemed to be very nice but every time you saw him he was always connecting with a woman or a group of women at a time.  They were always sharing intimate hugs, personal jokes, and the girls you could tell kinda like him (even though they swear he’s just like their “brother”).  What would you think about your chances?  What assumptions would you make about his personality?  C’mon now, be honest :)  Well, that’s exactly what your future guy might be thinking…and to make it worse, you may never know. 

Principle #2 – Guys don’t need you to make a decision about whether or not they will pursue.  Often, a good guy will assess you first from afar and make an almost instant decision based on what he sees.

You have to understand that a good guy is likely not going to invest his time in what he perceives to be a high risk situation.  When looking for the right match, he probably won’t pursue until he notices something about a girl that clicks with his values, and then he will draw near and make his intentions known.  You being constantly surrounded by a bunch of guys with no strong female relationships may keep him in hiding and possibly out of reach. 

My advice is to start cultivating strong female relationships (Not a bunch, but what you can handle) and start determining what is causing difficulty for you in that area.  Don’t rule out getting counsel from a wise friend or mentor who has the experience to help you.  I believe mentorship is absolutely essential to carrying out good dating behavior as well.  Secondly, and this is going to be tough, I highly suggest you put into practice principle #1.  Creating sound boundaries will cause some pain in the beginning, but serve long-term benefits in the form of the man of your dreams!

Thanks for reading and be sure to send in your questions!

Marius

Can you trust him?

To the young women,

Before you bare your soul on that first date, sharing private and intimate details about your life and who you are, it is very important you establish that your guy is trustworthy.  If your guy is a player, he will use that information against you.  He will sit silently on the phone or across from you listening, not because he cares, but because he is looking for weak points in your personality that he can later use to get what he wants. 

The information you might normally share is valuable.  You are an extraordinary person with unique experiences that make you...you.  For that reason alone you should go through great lengths to protect yourself.  I’m not talking about building a wall around you 10 feet thick that no human can penetrate.  I’m talking about equipping yourself with good knowledge that will help you determine when and more importantly, WHY you should open up.  I have a few keys that I think will help you.

"Playa" Point #1 – A player is typically impatient.  He rarely will invest the time it takes to develop a personal relationship with you.  Use this to your advantage. 

If you are willing to wait and allow time to establish trust, you can be on the look out for four key elements that will help determine if you can trust him.  They are: Commitment, Openness/Honesty, Patience, and Respect

Commitment

Commitment is demonstrated by giving of one’s time, energy and/or attention to an individual or relationship.  It is defined as: loyalty, devotion, or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship (Encarta Online Dictionary).  Can your man tell you why he is in your life?  Can he tell you his intentions?  If he can’t or won’t, then you should beware.  Don’t fall for the “I’m not looking for a commitment; I just want to be friends and do whatever.”  Huh?  Make him define “whatever.”  This is your heart and your life we are talking about!  You don’t want to play games.

"Playa" Point #2 – Players HATE being put on the spot. 

So, don’t be afraid to ask your guy what his intentions are toward you.  In my current relationship, my girl asked me that question and I was able to answer it.  Years ago, I would’ve avoided it like the plague.  So, if he gets jumpy at the idea of defining the relationship, then he’s either not mature enough to handle your heart, or he could be a player. 

Openness/Honesty

This is shown by our willingness to “be real” in relationships.  Do you get the sense that your guy is being sincere?  More importantly, does he tell you about his shortcomings and failures that could affect your relationship?  Does he talk to you about his past?  Be sure you are not opening up too much with someone who is not willing to open up with you.  To find out, share some information that is not overly personal or intimate, and see how he responds.  If he responds in kind and does so consistently (even going first and sharing on his own), that can be a good sign.  However, don’t get too excited and open up the flood gates baring your soul.  Take it slow and share a bit at a time.  I heard someone say that trust should not be freely given, but earned.  I believe that is positively true. 

Patience

No matter how well-intentioned you are, at some point you are going to say or do something that makes your guy a little warm under the collar.  That just goes back to being real in how we look at relationships.  Does your guy habitually “blow up” or treat you mean when you make mistakes?  Does he find it hard to forgive you and does he often carry a grudge?  Ladies, I cannot overemphasize the importance of what I’m about to say; if the answer is “yes,” then RUN!  This guy cannot protect your heart.  He is more concerned about being right and punishing you.  You want to be extra careful about warning signs of an abusive man.  Your guy should be able to share his hurts openly with a cool head and with a desire to forgive and make peace.  Rest assured ladies, a patient man is often times a safe man. 

Respect

Respect is defined as: consideration; thoughtful concern for or sensitivity toward the feelings of others; or thoughtfulness; a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something (Encarta).  Does your man value who you are and what you have to say?  Do you get the idea that he is sensitive to your needs?  Does he look to do things that you enjoy?  If he considers your relationship to be of high importance and he respects you, then it will consistently show in his attitude, language, and care toward you.  This should last beyond the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship where almost every good thing we do is driven by emotion and our need to impress.

Well ladies, I hope this helps.  I wanted to start things right by sharing an important topic right off the bat.  Relationships are quite complicated and require a great deal of maturity and discipline to work.  Again, this is just a start, but we’re going to be with you for the long haul.

You’re becoming “playa-proof” sister!

Marius