What do I do if my parents don’t like the one I love?

Question from “Karen” in Minneapolis

Often the natural way to respond if our parents don’t approve of our relationship choices is with defiance.  This can be dangerous.  I’m not saying that your parents are always right, but to immediately discount what they might have to say is generally not a wise thing to do.

One of my goals is to see young women make objective and not merely emotional decisions regarding the men in their lives.  The man you are truly dating is not the one who gives you flowers, opens car doors, and tells you he loves you when everything is exciting and new.  He’s the guy that emerges after you’ve had you first major disagreement, when the “not so nice” sides of both your personalities emerge and clash, when it now becomes “work” to maintain togetherness and a sense of care in the relationship.  That’s the guy you need to see before you fully commit your heart.  As I said in my earlier post, allies protect your blind spots and help you see warning sides.  Your parents could play that role.

I would say that the best course of action is to humbly ask your parents why they disapprove or have concerns.  Humbly simply means that you are willing to listen and make changes if it makes sense to do so.  However, if you are unwilling to receive constructive feedback, then don’t ask.  You’re already set on what you’re going to do, but keep in mind it is you who is left to face the consequences.

If you choose to talk to your parents, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. You should get the sense that the advice being offered is meant to benefit you as a person and that there are no ulterior or selfish motives.  If you are unsure, #2 below will help you to determine.
2. You should ask your parents to identify specific attitudes and behaviors they see as cause for concern.  Let them tell you why.
3. Remember that parents don’t have to be perfect to share good advice.  They likely have experience that encompasses both their successes AND their failures.  It would be wise to learn from both. 

Please understand that I have seen young women’s hearts devastated after refusing to hear wise counsel.  They refuse to believe that they could be blinded by their emotions, and they think that those offering the advice are trying to stop their happiness when actually the nature of the advice is protective.  Don’t get caught in this trap.  An old proverb reads, “Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.”  I would agree.

Stay “playa-proof,” sister!

Marius

The Importance of Allies

Have you ever hid a relationship from someone close to you because you’re afraid of what they might say?  This could be a wise friend, parent, boss, or even a mentor.  It really doesn’t matter what the title is; it is simply a person in your life who cares and has the experience to know if the guy you’re dating is a loser, or worse, a player. 

It’s sad to see young women lie to good people in their lives to protect a relationship that is going nowhere, is abusive, or hurtful.  But when emotions are involved, such things can be difficult for a young woman to see.  They might think:

• I can’t let this guy go.  I might not meet someone else.
• He’s not that bad, is he?  At least he’s got a nice job.
• He’s never met someone like me before.  He’ll change now that we’re together.

Of course, this is not an all-inclusive list, but it does represent some of the more common reasons I hear for women staying in unhealthy relationships.  It makes life incredibly easy for players.  In fact, he’s banking on the fact that you think this way.  Insecurity, focusing on his external characteristics (car, clothes, hair, job, etc.), and the illusion of control (you won’t change him) put you at risk.  This is where allies become so important.

An ally is a person who has your best interests at heart.  They are not afraid to confront you about poor choices because they see your worth and don’t want you to settle for less.  For allies, it’s not about what you can do for them, but what positive contribution they can add to your life.  If you don’t have an ally (I recommend that you have three or four), it is absolutely critical to your dating health to have one.  Even with the best intentions, your emotions can be blinding and cause you to make wrong choices.  Allies won’t allow you to do that without warning you.  That’s why if you’re serious about a guy, you should make sure he meets them.  They’ll ask the right questions, and you can see how he responds. 

I heard a speaker say, “If the only person who thinks your guy is great is you, then you have a big problem.”  For your safety, listen to what your allies have to say.  Think objectively, and don’t let your emotions unnecessarily put your heart in harm’s way. 

Stay “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Question from Monticello, MN

Not necessarily.  A cheater can change, but it’s not easy.  Once a guy has developed a cheating habit, it can be extremely difficult to quit.  Why?  Because a man not only cheats with his body, but also with his eyes and with his mind.   

Ladies, don’t ever let a man tell you that looking at other women does not affect how he thinks about you.  He might even think this is true, but it is not.  First of all, it’s absolutely normal for a man to notice a beautiful woman.  It’s how he is wired.  You should not rip him for that anymore than we should rip a woman’s natural need to want to communicate.  However, we both have the ability to control ourselves in these areas and not overdo it.

Guys run into problems when we take that second look, or when we allow our eyes to linger.  Every time we do this, our girlfriends/wives become a little less attractive to us and we begin to become dissatisfied.  It’s because we’re allowing competition into our mental storage space.  That is why pornography is so toxic to relationships.  If your guy is into this and refuses to part with it…run.  He will torture your heart.  You will consistently feel inadequate as you’re forced to measure up to literally hundreds and thousands of digitally-altered nude images.  You cannot win this battle. Your guy has taken a huge step if he is willing to part with this habit, control his eyes and keep his focus on you, and be held accountable by other healthy men in this area.  That is the kind of guy you want to keep, but be sure he’s changing for the right reasons and not only for you or his “conversion” may not last for long. 

You want a “one-woman” man who believes in his heart that being faithful is not just a matter of the body, but also of the eyes and mind…and then lives it out.

Stay “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

Players Want Sex without Commitment

Understanding this fact and responding to it the right way is the ultimate key to being “playa-proof.”  Commitment means: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online).  The problem with commitment for just about every player is that they are often quite willing to say they are committed to you (which is their bait to lure you, get you to lower your defenses, and hook your heart), but rarely will they do anything you can see that proves it. 

Playa-Point #1: A player focuses on your sexual organs, and not your heart. 

A player is driven to have sex, and often he is willing to lie, act good-mannered, and make empty promises to obtain it.  Make no mistake; he is a hunter.  To him, you are not the beautiful, interesting, wonderfully complex, capable, and dazzling woman that you are; you are prey.  I am not trying to be rude, but I feel that there are many women who need to be shaken out of the idea that just because their guy is “dashing,” says all the right things, makes their heart beat a bit faster, and seems to have everything together, doesn’t mean he’s not a player.  How do I know?  I used to be that guy.  I’m not proud of this at all, and I find my past behavior disgusting, but I feel girl kind needs to know that a guy being “cute and nice” is just not enough.  If you want to really protect your heart, body, and soul, which this blog is about, then I urge you to set a higher standard. 

My personal view is that the most “playa-proof” woman is secure, confident and productive and has made an informed decision to abstain from sexual activity until marriage.  Why do I say this?  Because this is exactly the kind of woman I would avoid in my player days. Her patience, self-value, and high standards I knew would require too much of me, so I moved on to “easier” prey: women overly thirsty for romance, who will trade sex for love, have no clear sexual boundaries, and “need” a man.  Again, I’m not trying to be rude, but if I don’t talk about these things as they are, then some young women might not take seriously the risk, and get hooked.  

Playa-Point #2: A player will often look to exploit any inch of sexual freedom you give him and eventually try to go the whole mile, hence the need for a high standard. 

I’m not saying that he’ll ignore a firm “no” (though unfortunately this does happen), but a player often looks at your sexual responsiveness as an invitation and as an opportunity to go for more.  Don’t be fooled by the “harmless” massage or the romantic evening alone with his arms around you watching a movie.  An experienced player is always calculating and looking for a way to sexually arouse you without appearing to do so intentionally.  That way, he can keep his cover as a “gentleman” who simply wants to enjoy you and share a bit of closeness.  He knows that your sexual arousal plus his “gentlemanly” nature will more often than not lead to sex.

If a man is not willing or not ready to commit to you fully, and by that I mean marriage, but he still wants a sexual relationship, then regardless of whether he is a player or not, he is using you.  He might even have “good” intentions, but the bottom line is that something is holding him back.  And if he is holding back, then you should too.

The thing about marriage and the process leading to it is that you can observe some things that can help you determine his commitment level and readiness:

 

• A ring
• Does he have a job and can he keep it?
• Can his income support your basic food, transportation, shelter, and clothing needs if you were to be married? (Because the fact of the matter is if you get pregnant, then you’re the one likely to take time off work, and not him.) 
• Does he suggest any pre-martial counseling and then follow through with it?
• Does he have a plan for your future together involving children if you desire them?
• Does he have a track record for being selfless and respectful toward you, even after disagreements? 
• Saying, “I do” and entering into a legally binding agreement for life.

You see, marriage to the mature and responsible is not just a piece of paper.  It represents quite a bit more.  If done the right way, it symbolizes one, if not the greatest of human commitments.  It requires a huge investment from your guy.  It’s very rare that you would run into a player who is willing to fake his way to marriage just so he can have sex with you.  However, if you give yourself to him before he says “I do,” then you do so at your own risk.  Once you’ve had sex, it’s done.  You cannot take it back.  It’s his.  If he then turns his back on you and walks away to fulfill his next conquest, then you will be crushed in ways you can’t imagine.  It’s devastating and I want to help protect you from this.

Now, some of you may call this old-fashioned or unrealistic, but I assure you that it is not.  There are women (virgins and non-virgins alike) practicing this standard everyday who are limiting their scars and are now experiencing great benefits in their single and married lives.  Does it guarantee relationship success?  Of course not, but it dramatically increases your chances.  Is it hard to do in today’s sex-pressured society?  Yes it is, but for women who truly want to protect themselves from players, the discipline involved is far outweighed by the rewards.  Plus in doing so, you get the added benefit of attracting the right guy.  I assure you, he is out there looking for a woman just like you :) 

Set your standard at the highest and expect the best.  You are definitely worth it.

Marius

"Don't get stuck on stardom."

First, I did not choose this feature to bash Tony or Eva.  Quite frankly, I have no idea about the circumstances surrounding their divorce.  The reason I chose it is because of what it made me think: “Ladies, don’t get stuck on stardom.” 

Am I only talking about movie stars, models, musicians and star athletes?  Well, all of these would certainly be included, but on the more common level, I’m defining stardom as representative of those external things to which some women are very attracted: great looking car, expensive suit, perfect hair, lives in a condo, important job, etc.  Now I’m generalizing, but is it wrong for women to be drawn to such things?  That depends.

Are any of the outward things I just mentioned good indicators of his inward character?  Women should be careful not to get “stuck” on a guy based solely on these signs (though it’s not a bad place to start).  It could be dangerous to your heart.  By “stuck” I mean that you have settled on this man as “your guy” and everything you now do becomes centered on making that a reality.   

What we allow to capture our attention indicates what we value.  It can prove hard to break things off with a “star” who you later find out to be a player because after all, he still has all the stuff, and if you’re honest, that’s what you were really drawn to in the first place. 

To be “playa-proof,” you must value good character above all else.  If players have the money, if you watch closely, you’ll see them spend it on things to make them appear authentic: clothes, car, hair, etc.  Yes, a good guy can have nice things too, but he will also show you kindness, honor, gentleness, patience, and support.  Nothing a man owns can tell you who he is on the inside.  You must take time and observe his actions and then judge objectively.  It’s not a player’s car or his shoes or his hair or his job that will hurt you, he will. 

Be “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

P.s. This is a great time to review our very first “Playa-Proof” post back in September entitled Can You Trust Him? 

A “playa-proof” girl is secure, confident, and productive (Part 3 of 4)

Naila is in her late 20's; in her own journey has become passionate on women not settling, but rather demanding the best out of themselves--knowing their worth and who they are so that they can enter the 'right' relationship. Here are some of her insights on today’s topic.

*How would you define being a productive woman?

Being a productive woman is dependent on being a confident one. Knowing who you are and believing in your value provides clarity on your purpose. And once you know your purpose, you should be productive on the things that bring that into being. Without an awareness of who you are, you have no vision and without a vision your productivity is in vain.

*How can being productive protect you from a destructive relationship?

Being protected from a destructive relationship is knowing the following: Good results are the direct result of productivity. This is extremely important to keep in mind because busyness and productivity are not the same thing. Both busyness and productivity occupy one’s time; however, if what we are doing does not produce good results, we may be busy, but we certainly are not productive.  Productive means “producing readily or abundantly.”  Busyness means “lively but meaningless activity.”  Take note of the big difference--abundant vs. meaningless. Pay close attention if a man says that he is productive. First see if there are evidences of good results in his life and if so, observe if these good results are directly related to his daily habits and what he is doing.  If there is no obvious link, then be careful. 

*Do you think being a productive woman helps attract the right guy?

When a woman is being productive towards fulfilling her purpose, she automatically begins the process of elimination. She is clear in knowing where she needs to be and to whom she needs to be connected. It is a domino effect…being confident (knowing who you are and believing in your value) = knowing your purpose and being intentionally productive towards it = filtering out the busy men from the productive ones (who are on purpose just like her) = connecting with the right productive man whose vision is compatible with hers.

In ending, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Ask him: What are your goals? What are you doing to get there? When do you want to get there? You don’t want to end up with a busy man (or worse a lazy man) who has no vision. That...will lead to a relationship of aimless wandering. Any man who has a clear vision and a plan will be able to answer without hesitation.  That’s the man you want. 

Thank you, Naila.  I think this is right on.  A productive woman can be extremely intimidating to a player.  Productive women are so focused that it is hard to knock them off-track. The vision piece is very important.  If you don’t have a set course or planned destination for your life, then how will you know if a relationship is either taking you off-track or helping you to get there faster?

I really like your point regarding busyness vs. productivity.  As a man, I can say that often we are not taught this difference.  If you find yourself to be with a busy man, don’t necessarily count him out.  There can be a huge difference between the man who is busy and the man who refuses to do anything.  Ask him those questions that Naila mentioned and watch carefully how he responds.  It will tell you a lot about his drive and his character. 

Lastly, there is something to be said for this automatic process of elimination.  My sweetie did the same thing as she observed me from afar for a year.  Though she was interested, she didn’t let on but just went about being productive, checking for good results in my life, and filtering out the other gents who would come her way until she ultimately became most attracted to me.  She trusted that if we were going to be a good match, it would occur to me too and that I would pursue, which I did :) 

I don’t think a productive woman needs to put herself “out there” and be aggressive.  That could turn the right guy away.  She will draw him if she is consistent with her standards and remains productive.  It may take time, but patience will likely have the desired effect.  Use your singleness as a time to create your own good results.  Productivity is incredibly attractive to the right guy.  Good men don’t want to baby-sit or be a meal-ticket anymore than you do.  They simply want a woman they can take care of, not because she needs them to, but because they respect her for her ability to handle life on her own. 

You are “playa-proof” sister!

Marius

Want to be a “Playa-Proof” ambassador?

Help get the word out and help other young women avoid destructive relationships and keep their hearts, bodies, and souls safe for their good guy to come.  Email nomoredrama@mariusmassie.com and we’ll send you details about your commitment and when you join you’ll receive a Facebook "tag" tool to help spread the message.

You are “Playa-Proof” sister!